I Am Robin Scherbatsky
by AlwaysSandcastles
Summary: This is Robin Scherbatsky I'm writing in you because I want to clear my head of my days and tell you how I feel without anyone knowing. I am a woman who wants to feel things but all my life I never did until I moved to New York City. My friends care about me and I care about them. Robin's journal entries with a lot of Swarkles. Mostly Robin's POV!
1. Journal Entry 1

Hi all, I decided to write another fic something that I thought of last night. This story is everything you need to know about Robin Scherbatsky's thoughts from first moving to New York to getting married which is something she never thought she wanted but knew she found someone who understands her and loves her for who she is and knows what she wants and doesn't care because she wants to be loved and maybe a little admired but mostly love.

I thought this would give some insight on **_her _**feelings, thoughts, emotions, what she wants, who she loves and everything Robin Scherbatsky. This is her journal entries, cause yeah she is a girl and likes to write about herself even if she doesn't admit it. She's a freakin girl, with thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions on life, her friends who are her family, her immediate family and finding love and happiness in the big city she loves so much.

And, yes there is Swarkles, a lot of Swarkles but mainly Robin's thoughts and feelings for Barney and some interactions as well because the real Robin Scherbatsky has thoughts and mind of her own and could love whomever she wants at anytime she wants to because she is a woman. A human being, a happy, healthy, physical woman who can be sexy one minute and be crying the next. She is who she is, she loves whomever she loves and her friendships mean everything to her because the real Scherbatsky would never up and leave her best friends to travel alone in the world without anyone there to support her or be there for her at night when she's alone in a dark hotel room. So, in later chapters she will talk about her friendships and about Barney and how she feels about him.

Please enjoy this I think this will give you readers a real insight into the mind of Robin Charles Scherbatsky.

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><p><em>My journal entry, 101 First week in New York City<em>

_**April 2005**_

I, Robin Scherbatsky have just moved to New York City to start a new job at a local news network. Metro News 1, it's not the biggest news network or the most popular. Okay, it's not even close to being popular or most watched but it's a start for me. I had just arrived a few days ago from Canada were I left my friends and family behind to make it big, as a news caster in the biggest and greatest city in the world which is a bit scary since I don't know anyone here. My first day at my new job wasn't great, in fact it was awful, the first live report I did was of some cat lady who lives in a small apartment on the lower east side. I thought it was stupid, then I realized I live with 5 dogs... Anyway, later after the report I went back to the office were my boss didn't even want to listen to what I had to say. Then, some co-workers asked me to go to a bar for some drinks so I agreed just to have them stop pestering me to go.

I didn't want to go to a bar at all, all I wanted to do is go home have a good scotch and sit on the couch and watch a movie. But, I ended up going to the bar cause yeah I could use a good drink and so I went and it was interesting to say the least. I first went to the bar because my co-workers wanted me to, I hung out with them for a while before I became bored. I was talking to one of my co-worker friends when I notice two guys looking at me. One had this weird look on his face, he had brown hair and looked like the average looking guy, he didn't seem like a New Yorker but was sweet after I briefly talked to him. And, then there was another guy, I guess it was his friend. He had blond hair, blue eyes and was wearing a suit something I didn't think most New Yorkers would wear. He was looking at me with this side glance smiling behind his friend with he brown hair. Both guys are quite cute, the brunette guy kept staring at me it was weird.

A little while later I walked over to the bar to order my drink and to get the next round for my colleagues when I was tapped on my shoulder by that blonde in the suit. Immediately, and this is not me, I've never felt anything so electric in my life. He only touched my shoulder for a second but I can't help but not think of that touch all night, even when I was on a date with his brunette friend. His friend Ted, who is really nice but wants to settle down and seems to rush right into thinking I want the same things. He seemed a bit clingy, but sweet. He was in a suit too which I find really attractive on a guy, it's the first thing that caught my eye when I saw his friend smiling that awkward tilted head smile. I liked that little fantasy I built up the entire evening on my date with his friend and all I could think about was the cutie blonde in the suit looking at me with his sidewards smile.

And, then as my date Ted and I are back at my place he says something that I never wanted to hear cause I was so caught up in my fantasy of his friend in the suit.

"I think I'm in love with you." He tells me, this threw me out of my fantasy thoughts very quickly.

"What?, You love me?" This guy doesn't even know me but already he loves me. This is so weird, this whole night is weird.

The last thing I wanted to hear was 'I love you' from a complete stranger. This freaked me out, he left and for the rest of the night I couldn't sleep or get my mind off of the blonde in the suit. Ted is a nice guy, very nice, sweet but I don't want that dream of moving to the suburbs and having 2.0 kids with a house and a picket fence. All I wanted was to get laid, after such a stressful day, I just wanted to sleep with someone particularly in a suit. But, now that fantasy and my thoughts aren't anywhere near where it was before Ted ruined it.

Now I'm lying here in bed trying to sleep but I can't so I'm writing in my journal.

_Thanks, first week in New York I had a blast working my first professional reporter job and not getting laid._

_Sincerely; _

_Robin Charles Scherbatsky_


	2. Journal Entry 2

This chapter has some more journal entries with the last entry being in 2013 when B/R are engaged that entry takes place after "P.S. I Love You" that night when they return to their apartment The Fortress. Also, there is a new journal in this chapter. I wasn't going to add the new journal yet but since there is a flashforward/future parts to the story I thought now's a good time to use the future journal entries too.

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><p><span>Journal entry 2<span>

Chatpter 2

_**Meeting The Gang**_

I met four new friends today, after running into my new friend Lily we talked for a little while before her fiance came to the bar. His name I Marshall, he had just proposed on the night I met Ted. They seem like a lovely couple and Lily is a really sweet girl, we talked and got to know each other a little better before Marshall came and then Ted and then Barney the blonde in the suits.

Lily's a cool girl, seems down-to-earth and really friendly since I don't have any to no female friends in the city it was nice talking to her. Marshall's a really nice guy, seems like a real committed guy to Lily something I never will begin to have in my life. Again, Ted's a sweet, nice guy but he's looking at the wrong girl for him. And, Barney... Barney's seems cool, someone I would like to get to know better and it was fun teasing him today. The look on his face was priceless. It's weird, just sitting and talking with these four people I just met doesn't seem like something I would do but they are all such wonderful people I hope I get to see them again.

_**Welcome To New York Scherbatsky**_

My first week in the Big Apple hasn't been what I expected it to be. My work load is a bit much, anything with work is quite weird, the station I work at isn't the most popular, the most clean or the most well managed but at least it brought me to New York some place I've always wanted to go to while growing up. I hoped if my Robin Sparkles career had taken off and I didn't quit, I was hoping to do a US tour. But, that never happened and now I'm here, alone in my bed, in my New York City apartment at night writing in you about the week I had.

Meeting my new friends was the only good thing that happened since moving here. Those four people made the end of my week more interesting, they made me feel like moving here was a good idea. I loved getting to know these four people, I hope we get to see each other again sometime.

I've never been the type of girl who immediately befriends people I don't know but this group of people made me change that part of me I try so hard to hide. But, I'm hoping my life gets better once I become more settled here.

_**Something I want to do**_

I am hoping to explore the city more now that I'm here. Maybe this weekend, maybe I can call Lily and we can hang out? I really do like her even though she seemed a bit desperate for a female friend. I wonder why she doesn't have any other female friends, she is a really cool chick I really like her. Having female friends is exhausting and for someone who was raised a boy who didn't get to be around many girls while growing up I guess I identify with her. Lily's the kind of girl who I think I will get along with so maybe I will give her a call tomorrow.

_**Getting to know Barney**_

It's weird, just sitting next to him he gives off this strong vibrant vibe I don't know what it is but the moment we first talked to each other I can feel this weird sensation with my heart. When I teased him about not having a date and he ripped on my home Country of Canada I couldn't help but feel something, something that I had never felt before in my life with a guy before. I don't know what it was but the moment I saw him across the bar last Friday I felt the same feeling I did today just more intense which is weird for someone you just met. But, we seemed to like each other, at least for me I liked him. I mean I did tease him in a way of flirting, in my own way and I think he responded in a good way to me trying to flirt with him. I guess I'll never know cause I will never tell him.

_2013!_

"_When I was looking in your diaries earlier I noticed something." Oh, god here it comes he found something alarming or embarrassing or something that's not meant for anyone's eyes especially Barney's. I hold my breath waiting for him to start talking again, not knowing what he means I look away from him already embarrassed._

"_I found an entry from 2005, when we first met." Oh, okay now it's not so embarrassing since I know what he's talking about? I look over at him and he's giving me this loving look and I look at him waiting for what he wants to say. "It said, 'you thought I was cute in my suit and that you had this feeling that you never felt before. You wanna tell me what that means?" It was years earlier, who knew we would become such close friends let alone get engaged to each other but this moment made me blush and I looked away again shaking my head and laughing. "It was nothing, I just liked you when I first met you and I knew back then that there was something between us." I look back over at him who still has this smiling smirk on his face. My face is still flushed red but he starts to get serious, he takes my hand in his giving me a small smile then he kisses my hand gently the way I've always liked, then he asks me..._

"_What did you feel back then? Did you think I was the one for you? Did you want to just have sex with me? Or did you just like me enough to start flirting?" Now, I'm embarrassed._

_I turn away from him, not looking his way again and put my face in my hands laughing and blushing._

"_Kind of all of the above." Now I'm looking at him, face still flushed it's so embarrassing to bring this up now but I guess it's the best time to do it since we're engaged and we are honest with each other._

"_I liked you Barney. I liked you a lot even back then so when I came home that night after we hung out at MacLaren's and wrote that entry. I didn't say anything about what I was feeling then cause it was just a small crush..." And now I'm blushing again, and he notices me blushing at the word crush._

"_You had a crush on me... Robin Scherbatsky had a crush on Barney Stinson? Wow, I can't believe you felt that way back then. I mean we just met, yeah I thought you were sexy and I could've hit that very quickly." He's right about that one, I could've slept with him back then and at some different times I wanted to but I didn't. I guess it's for the best now that we actually had something else entirely with the connection I felt then. "But, why didn't you tell me, I mean we did date before and we've known each other for years and now we're engaged? I don't want to say but I do anyway for his sake._

"_I was embarrassed, I was sure what my feelings were back then and I was far from knowing what my feelings were and I barely knew you then. So, I didn't tell you because it would've been awkward because of the fact we just met." There, I said it. It's all out there, I, Robin Scherbatsky admitted that I've always liked Barney Stinson and even wanted to sleep with him on different occasion one of them being the time they bro'd out together and he tried making a move. I wanted to then but I couldn't bring myself to actually sleep with him because I liked him and I didn't want to ruin our new friendship._

"_Robin Scherbatsky, you are the most wonderful woman I've ever met and back then I would've totally slept with you, I wanted to but when you turned me down that time we laser tagged together I stopped pursuing anything that I was feeling towards you. But, if I knew then that you felt something for me I would've done something about it." I know he would have, it was obviously when he came onto me that time and I've always wondered if something did happen then with them, what could have happened if we actually had feelings back then for each other. _

_**Journey: My engagement and future journal**_

_Would we be together much sooner than we actually were and are now? Would we have had a friendship or a romance? Would it lead to something more like falling in love and getting married like we are now? These are all such interesting things to think about now that I've told Barney... Well, now that he found out that I had some feelings that were unknown back when we first met._

"_I'm so glad we told each other these things cause now we don't have any secrets to tell each other cause we already know everything there is to know about each other." We are lying in bed with me in his arms, my hand placed gently on his stomach and my head resting on his chest with him slowly stringing my hair in between his fingers which I've always enjoyed because it's a soothing feeling that sometimes puts me to sleep. I am so glad we talked about this it's so weird how far we both came since I wrote the I had a crush on Barney when we first met and now we're engaged and about to spend the rest of our lives together. _

_It's feels good. It feels right. It feels wonderful. Who knew I would fall in love with this man who's lying soundly asleep next to me? I know I didn't but I realize this until right now but I really do love this man and back when we first met I think I felt some kind of unknown feelings of love._


	3. Journal Entry 3

A/N: If people get a little confused by this chapter this has three different times in Robin's life. The fist time(s) she met Barney, the time when they dated in 2009 and their wedding day in 2013. There is a nice ending to this which is something I've always wanted to hear but never did so I made it up and I think this will explain what's really going on inside Robin's mind and heart along the way to marrying Barney. Her feelings for there from the start those type of feelings will never ever go away from her heart or her memories because that kind of love never goes away EVER.

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><p><span><strong><strong>Journal Entry 3<strong>**

****Finding Friends and Love****

Today I was at Maclaren's sitting with my new friends. Ever sine I came to New York making friends wasn't easy for me but that seems to have changed with the four people I met only a few weeks ago. I always thought of myself as not worthy of making friends especially girlfriends but I really like Lily. She's really cool. She knows what she wants already when I'm not sure what I really want. She just got engaged to her only boyfriend, the only guy she said she would give her whole life to and whom she has loved since college. While I might not have it all figured out like Lily does I know that my career is what I need in my life right now.

Lily: seems to have it all together and so does Marshall. I've never known two people who have their whole lives figured out at an early age but their story is really sweet and getting to know them they both seem like cool people.

Marshall: I like that he's down-to-earth, wants to save the world in one sense of the word. Knows that he loves Lily and that she's the one and only one for him. He also has his life figured out like Lily does.

Ted: He's a nice guy but he seems to be a bit clingy and a little aggressive with doing things for me out of the blue. It's a little weird for someone I just met. He comes on too strong, he's nice but he isn't my type or what I'm looking for in a relationship and right now I don't even know if having a relationship is a good thing for me.

Barney: Then there's Barney, he's a little crazy, a little bit out there, wild and fun, he's not what you consider to be someone you should date. Everyone I've met including Marshall, Lily, Ted and some people at the bar calls him a womanizer. But, what I got from him is some weird dislike about Canada. The country that is my home and what I left to come to New York to pursue this career that seems to be dragging.

I won't say this to anyone but I really like Barney. He gave me this bet to do on the news which I didn't want to take because it would damage the career I'm trying to have. But, with a network that's questionable and nobody really watching what the heck is the harm in that? Oh, it was just me face down in a pile of horse crap. But, after some thought and the embarrassment of that died off and everyone's minds it wasn't that bad of a bet. In fact it was kind of fun to let loose and now people know who I am, which kind of feels wonderful in the (I'm famous now because I fell on a pile of horse crap) sort of way but nevertheless it was fun to let loose and get to know Barney better. It was fun hanging out with him and taking these bets I forgot how to live ever since I came to New York.

2009

"Did you really write that about me?" Barney was using Robin's computer to do some work when he came across her journal. When Robin walked in and caught him using her computer which then had them talking which lead to them getting to know each other a little better. He pointed to the computer screen asking Robin if she really wrote the things she wrote in her online journal. Their conversation lead to both of them revealing things that neither of them knew about each other.

They are sitting on Robin's bed talking and she accidentally revealed to him that she had liked him when they first met. She wrote that the bet he gave her was fun and it made her realize how uptight she is about her career. Robin didn't like to reveal herself especially when she's vulnerable or a bit horny. The fact that she used to (still does sometimes) write personal things in journals was for her eyes and ears only but once she found somebody she can trust and has told pretty much everything to she used to think it might be embarrassing but now it's not. Meeting Barney, finding someone who gets her and knows her better than she knows herself is a bit scary but really endearing. She's never had to hold anything inside about her true self because Barney even just knowing him for four years isn't as scary as she used to think it was.

"I did. I knew I liked you then and I still like you now but in an entirely different way." That way being that she loves him, she actually loves this man laying beside her on her bed reading her personal and private thoughts that she wrote down when they first met.

She might be the most secretive person in the world but so is Barney it's why they understand each other in a way that nobody else understands. Okay, that's not what happened here at all it was Barney who was looking for a writing pad to use on Robin's computer and out of the blue pops up her personal journal. Some of the things in it was mostly from years earlier and some were recent but the last entry in there was from another time which Barney read and isn't going to talk about cause it really told him how Robin really feels about him and that he will keep to himself.

They only have been dating two months but in the months that they dated Barney seems to fall for this woman more if that's even possible. The sweet things she said about him could be another Robin Sparkles hit but he will keep silent on that cause he really loves to know that he isn't dating her just to sleep with her, he's dating her because he truly and wholeheartedly loves her. He's never met anyone so incredible and loving toward him it's been a wonderful summer already but this just makes it better. She really loves him and that's all he needs to know to keep from wondering if they're making a mistake being together.

"Well, I'm glad you do cause I like you too."

He wants to say _I love you _but he doesn't instead he kisses her once on the lips then breaks apart.

"I'm glad we met cause I would've never believed in anything but you made me believe again and for that I'm grateful to have met you when I did."

Those words coming from Barney Stinson melted her heart, she knew that she already loved this man but she didn't know if she was in love with him. Now, right now, on this summer day, this is when Robin Scherbatsky truly fell in love with Barney Stinson but she had never told him or anyone this it went into her journal and it wasn't until their wedding day that she recited the things she wrote in her journal to him. Those words was her wedding vows and Barney remembered them because he had read them while they were dating.

On that day in 2009 when they both discovered a little more about each other, they both knew it then. They both knew that they were in love, it was hard back then to express many feelings, for them that's the hardest thing to ever do in a relationship because until then they knew if the words I love you were said that it will guarantee that a relationship would be pretty much over but now it's different. It's easy to say the things they both had trouble saying over the years but they knew it then and now they say it every chance they get to say those three magic words that could either hurt the relationship or make it grow into a real love. A love that neither of them knew what to make of it and while the relationship had many ups and downs they both knew that in the end they loved one another more than they used to imagine.

The vows that Robin recited to Barney on their wedding day is something that both will forever take with them for the rest of their lives and beyond because those words are the truest words Robin ever said to anyone.

_I love you._

_I think I've loved you from the moment I first met you._

_I love you._

_Barney Stinson_

_I love you._

_So very much._

_I didn't know how to say these things to you so I wrote them in my journal. Back when we were first dating I knew sometime ago that I loved you but I never knew how to express the feelings I had back then but. But now I know how to speak my feelings instead of writing them down in my journal and what I felt for you then and what I feel for you now are the same feelings I've always had for you. You are my best friend, you are the reasons I smile when you try to make me laugh when I'm feeling unhappy about something. You always know what to say when I don't know what to say. You make me laugh when I'm feeling down you know just the ways to make me smile again. I used to think I couldn't be loved because I've never had someone who loved me enough to stick around or love me for who I am. But, now I don't feel that way anymore because I have found someone who does love me. _

_You are my soul mate, you are my best friend, you are my everything._

_I love you Barney Stinson._

_From this day forward I always will._

_You are the reason I feel alive. The reason I get up every morning to knowing that you are there beside me and will always be there. Every night and every day I think to myself how unsure I am about many things but what I am sure about is the fact that I love you._

_That has never not been true._

_I couldn't say those things before because I didn't know how or if I should but I believed those words then and I still do today._

_I love you._

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><p>AN: Barney also has his own vows they are much more funnier than Robin's but sweet and true to who he is and how he feels about her.


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